


Finding The Word For Goodbye

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 13:15:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3210476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel drags Kurt to the Lima Bean for some lesson planning and caffeine.  Kurt also finds memories and some familiar faces there.</p><p>set after 6x03 (“Jagged Little Tapestry”), with absolutely no spoilers beyond</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding The Word For Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Canonical, angsty, Kurt-POV. Per usual, my POV character is an unreliable narrator; he interprets things in different ways than we might, so read between the lines.

“I still can’t believe you insisted on dragging me here,” Kurt said as Rachel led him imperiously into the Lima Bean. “We passed two Starbucks on the way, and I’ve never seen a mouse in either of them. Unlike here.”

The scent of coffee and baked goods rose into his nose as he stepped into the restaurant, slamming him with memories of good times with friends - Rachel, Tina, Mercedes, Blaine - and hard times working there when he’d thought his dreams of reaching New York had been pulled from his grasp and shoved behind yet another closed door for a while.

Lima was full of memories, filling the choir room and the streets and even his bedroom, but the Lima Bean’s were particularly sharp. He’d studied there, had dates there, fallen in love there, felt like the biggest failure of his life having to work there.

Glancing over at the tables, he could remember far too much of how his life used to be, good and bad and filled with people he loved and missed. He remembered gossiping with Mercedes by the window, bickering with Finn over New Directions song choices in a group on the couches, lingering over so many cups of coffee with Blaine at a corner table that he wasn’t able to fall asleep that night, though that might have been the memory of goodbye kisses with his boyfriend more than the caffeine...

Kurt lifted his chin and turned back to Rachel.

“It was one mouse, Kurt, and I still think it was probably just a dust bunny. Anyway, I know you’ve been here since then. I need some serious caffeine after a long day of teaching, and they make the best lattes in Lima.” Rachel tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Besides, if we’re here in Lima we should take advantage of what makes it special.”

“Stale biscotti and mouse droppings?” Kurt replied, but he followed her to take their place in line. He didn’t really _mind_ being there. It wasn’t like being surrounded by memories was anything new. It wasn’t like thinking of Blaine wherever he turned was anything new, either.

There were memories everywhere. They’d been omnipresent in New York, too. The loft was haunted with visions of Blaine: smiling over his shoulder at the kitchen sink, frustrated and sad on the couch, warm-eyed and close in bed. So was the street outside they walked down so frequently, holding hands or singing together in the rain or bickering over something or other. So was the bodega they’d gone shopping at or the coffee cart they liked best.

After they broke up, Kurt had gotten used to putting those memories aside in New York. So many of them had become tinged with bitterness, after all. There had been so much tension between them by the end that it had colored everything in their lives. It was easy to see the negatives in those mental pictures, see most of them as justification for why it was right for them not to have stayed together.

There had been memories everywhere, but in New York Kurt had focused on learning from his mistakes and putting it all behind him.

The line moved, and Kurt moved forward with it.

It was harder for him in Lima. New York was where they had fallen apart, but Lima was where they had fallen in love.

Lima was where he had mooned over a handsome boy in a blazer over shared cookies and even more shared understanding. Lima was where he’d sung love-filled duets in the car with his heart so full it had felt like it would burst in his chest and had first talked and dreamed about them getting married, long before Blaine had actually asked. Lima was where he’d first trusted Blaine with every part of himself and had been trusted in return.

Kurt’s throat tightened as they took another step forward in line, the same line he used to wait in with his new boyfriend, not daring to hold hands in public but not able to look away from his handsome, open face, the same line they’d waited in together the day before Blaine had moved to New York to join him in what was supposed to be their perfect life together.

He sighed, his mouth going flat in resignation.

Blaine’s memory was everywhere in Lima, tinged with hope instead of bitterness, and Kurt couldn’t seem to stop thinking about him, no matter how much he wanted to focus on other things, things he had and could actually hold on to. He didn’t want to go backwards; he just... wanted, like a gnawing hunger he didn’t see any way of feeding.

Rachel turned to him, one hand on the counter beside the cash register. “Kurt? What do you want?”

 _Blaine_ , he didn’t say, though the name was right there on his tongue, ready to spill from his lips.

Instead he stepped forward with his chin raised, gave the barista his order, and dropped an extra dollar in the tip jar out of sympathy for having to work there. If his head was filled with memories of Blaine, they weren’t the only things he remembered. He was very glad not to be behind that counter anymore for a whole variety of reasons.

He turned his mind away from Blaine and toward his life now instead.

“So,” Rachel said, putting her binder down beside her coffee after they collected their orders and went to find a table. “I think we should spend the lesson tomorrow brainstorming our set list with the group. If we throw open the floor to their suggestions, we can find out which songs really speak to them.”

Kurt took a careful sip of his still-scalding coffee. It _was_ better than Starbucks, not that he would admit it to her. “I know you got to belt some of your own favorites over the years, but putting together the start of a successful competition set list is about a lot more than personal preference.”

“Passion is an important component of being a winner, Kurt,” she told him with a flare of passion of her own in her eyes.

“So is discipline,” he replied, setting down his coffee. He knew Rachel was able to open her mouth and sing almost anything in a way that would make people gasp or cry, and he certainly didn’t discount the way performing a song that was personal to him made him feel like his heart was flowing out through his voice - as terrifying as that could be - but his time honing his craft at NYADA had only solidified his belief in paying attention to all details of a performance if one wanted to succeed. “If they want to win, we need to encourage them to work hard, focus, and make smart choices.”

“I’m not arguing with that,” she said, “but they have to love what they’re singing, too.”

“No, they don’t.” Kurt put up a hand to wave off her objection as soon as she opened her mouth. “I’m not saying we should pick songs they hate. I want them to enjoy themselves and connect with what they’re singing. But good performers can do more than just sing what they love, and we need to help them to be strategic. Didn’t you tell me they wanted us to push them?”

Rachel nodded slowly, her mouth twisting a little as she conceded his point. “Yes, but New Directions became National Show Choir Champions out of our hearts, too.”

“Hearts that led you and Finn to make out on stage in front of the entire audience one year,” he said dryly, his stomach twisting a little as it always did when he thought of his brother.

“Yes, and you can’t deny that despite what the judges felt about the kiss our performance was _magical_ ,” she said. “I’m not suggesting they do that part, but don’t we want them to follow in our footsteps? _That’s_ what they’re asking us to teach them.”

Kurt tipped his head in his own acknowledgment of her words. “I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly comfortable encouraging them to put together an entire set list an hour before they’re scheduled to go on stage.”

“Well, no,” Rachel said with a laugh over the cup of coffee she was bringing up to her mouth. “But if we could infuse them with the ability to work as a team that way to overcome...”

A warm chuckle reached Kurt’s ears, barely audible but still somehow drowning out Rachel’s next words, and his head turned of its own volition toward the door to catch sight of the man who was laughing.

_Blaine._

Kurt’s breath stilled in his throat, just for a second, as he caught sight of Blaine, all tidily put together with a plaid bow tie Kurt had never seen before and a smile on his face Kurt _had_. Blaine looked happy, not overjoyed or effusive but just _himself_ in a way Kurt had missed seeing in person, at ease in a way that went straight to Kurt’s heart and twisted it, because of course Blaine wasn’t alone, and the person he was currently content near wasn’t Kurt but his not-so-new boyfriend, the one who always seemed to be with him like they couldn’t be out of each other’s sight.

But then, Kurt thought with a rush of bitter memory, spending time with the man he loved had been what Blaine had always wanted more of, hadn’t it?

Dave was standing beside Blaine, and though Kurt could only see his back he could see the way Blaine was looking up at him, focused on him as he talked. He was intense like he got when he was thinking about something that was important to him, and even as he shook his head at something Dave must have said a small smile was playing around the corners of his mouth, a quiet peace in it that Kurt hadn’t seen directed toward him in _so long_ and -

“ - Kurt, are you even listening to me?” Rachel asked.

“Yes.” Kurt turned back to her and told himself he knew better than to expect Blaine’s eyes to spark even brighter than that little smile if he saw Kurt; they didn’t do that anymore. “Teamwork, nostalgia, coming up with set lists last minute at Sectionals as a bonding exercise. I’m listening.” He waved a hand to encourage her to carry on with her thought.

Rachel’s eyes narrowed. “As much as I value the fact that we’re doing this together, I would really feel more comfortable in our partnership if you could please pay attention instead of getting distracted by - “ She looked over in the direction of the line at the counter and broke off abruptly. Her rising annoyance disappeared in an instant. “Oh,” she said softly.

“It’s fine,” Kurt said with a shake of his head. He toyed with the cap of his coffee and tried not to let his eyes drift back to Blaine.

He remembered having a similar problem not tracking Blaine’s every movement when they’d first met. Blaine was this refreshingly bright, warm, welcoming light in the darkness of his world, and Kurt had been drawn to him like a magnet. He’d watched him, learned him, and fallen for him day after day, even when it had become perfectly clear that Blaine hadn’t felt the same way.

Then, before they started dating, not being wanted had felt like it was par for the course. Nobody had ever wanted him. It had hurt, but it had been a clean hurt. A soft one. He’d been able to focus on the best friend he’d gained instead of the theoretical boyfriend he could see Blaine being.

Now... nothing was theoretical. Nothing was clean. Nothing was soft.

Kurt knew exactly what he didn’t have. He knew exactly who it was who didn’t want him and exactly why. He knew exactly how wonderful - and hard, and sweet, and true, and complicated, and perfect - what he’d lost was, what he wanted back and couldn’t have.

Against his better judgment, he glanced over at Blaine, who was speaking to the barista with the easy politeness that Kurt knew made everyone he met like him.

He didn’t even talk that way with Kurt anymore. There were too many layers, too much history, for their politeness to be anything but strained.

“I’m not against them brainstorming their own songs,” Kurt said, turning his attention back to Rachel and trying to ignore Blaine’s shining presence out of the corner of his eye. Maybe he and Dave would leave without another awkward encounter that rubbed salt in Kurt’s open wounds, the wounds he had in many ways given to himself. It hadn’t been entirely his fault that they’d split up, but he’d been at least half of it. He’d certainly landed the killing blow, trying to protect himself and instead destroying the best thing he’d ever have. “But they need our guidance and expertise.”

Rachel’s eyes flicked over toward the counter again and then back to Kurt with sympathy, but she took a little breath and, to his relief, followed his lead. “What do you suggest?” She flipped open her binder and pulled out a pen to take notes. “We know they want to step up their choreography. Do we need to have Brittany reinstate Booty Camp? Or maybe Mike should come back? He’s been conspicuously slacking on his Glee Club renaissance duties.”

“He’s in college, Rachel,” Kurt said with an amused shake of his head. “You can’t blame him for going to class.”

“I was able to balance being on Broadway and being a full-time NYADA student,” she reminded him with a sniff. “Surely he can take a week or two off to help us. This is important.”

Kurt refrained from pointing out how her balancing act had ended up for her, mostly out of kindness but a little bit out of self-preservation, since he wasn’t really in the mood for her to be prickly at him, too, not when his skin felt overly sensitive simply from the air he was sharing with Blaine across the room. “Why don’t we start with - “

“Hey, guys,” a voice came from behind him, not the one Kurt most wanted to hear but one that sent his heart tumbling into the churning acid of his stomach. Dave.

Kurt pasted a tight smile on his face as he lifted his head to greet Dave with Blaine beside him.

“Blaine. Dave,” Rachel said with a regal nod to them both and a quick glance at Kurt. “How nice to see you.”

“Hi,” Blaine said in reply, nodding back.

Dave’s smile was wide, his arm tight around Blaine’s shoulders with the possessiveness he always seemed to have when Kurt ran into them; Kurt couldn’t tell if it was meant to make a point to him, to Blaine, or just to the general intensity of their connection. Either way, it roiled his stomach, and he deliberately looked away from Dave’s fingers wrapped around the lovely muscle of Blaine’s arm.

Blaine’s face was far less open, masked by the same guarded politeness he seemed to wear whenever Kurt saw him, though he’d seen him far happier just a few moments before, and that somehow made the distance between them seem even greater.

Blaine had been like an open book to him for years now, not always sharing his feelings but never holding back when he was willing to do so, and this was like looking at a stranger.

No, not a stranger. Blaine wasn’t a stranger to Kurt, but with his tight shoulders and wary eyes, he looked like someone who wanted them to be a lot closer to that end of things than as connected as they had once been.

Even when they’d been broken up the first time, every time Kurt had needed him, had reached for him, Blaine had been there. Blaine had wanted to be there for him. Blaine had reached back, sometimes even reached for him first, before Kurt knew what he needed at all.

Now, apart from an occasional spark of curiosity in his eyes and a persistence in saying hello, Blaine wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t reaching. He didn’t want to.

That was the hardest thing of all, that Kurt hadn’t just pushed him away but that Blaine wanted to _stay_ there.

“We were driving by and just had to stop for Blaine’s afternoon coffee,” Dave said, smiling down at his boyfriend. “He gets so grumpy if he doesn’t get his fix.” He squeezed Blaine’s shoulders fondly.

“Grumpy? Oh, thanks,” Blaine said with a soft laugh and a little duck of his head. The amusement and discomfort warring in him were obvious to Kurt’s eyes, and it made his heart fall that much more to know that he was probably the reason for the discomfort.

It was in so many ways the exact opposite of everything he wanted.

It was, however, he reminded himself with a slow, grounding breath, also reality. He wasn’t going to make it any harder for either of them by asking Blaine for anything more.

“Don’t worry; it’s cute,” Dave assured Blaine, and Kurt kept his smile steady on his face.

“We’re working on our lesson plan for tomorrow,” Rachel said. She gestured to her papers. “Although Kurt also gets cranky at this time of day without a boost of caffeine, which is why we’re doing it here.”

The complaint was enough to make Kurt focus on something other than his awareness of Blaine standing a few feet away from him, so close and yet so far. “You said _you_ were the one who needed a coffee today,” he said to her, his eyes narrowed in disbelief. He set down his cup, from which he’d just taken another sip.

“Well, what’s one little white lie between friends?” she replied with a shrug and a slightly condescending smile.

Kurt rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. “I don’t believe this,” he muttered.

“Maybe we’ll run into you here another afternoon, then,” Dave said.

Blaine met Kurt’s eyes from within the sheltering circle of Dave’s arm and gave him a polite smile Kurt didn’t believe for a minute.

Kurt knew what Blaine’s face looked like lit up with joy. He knew how wide Blaine’s smile could go when suffused with love. He knew what truth looked like and what distance did, and no matter that Blaine’s eyes kept landing on him that distance in his expression was unmistakable.

“Fantastic,” Kurt said crisply and tried not to let his resignation show on his face.

He was used to wanting things that were out of reach. It was the story of his life, in many ways. But he was also used to coming up with plans and fighting for them. That had got him to New York and to NYADA, but it had failed with Blaine. He’d come up with a plan to get Blaine back, and it had not gone in any way like he’d thought it would, not with Blaine standing there in someone else’s arms looking at him with eyes that had once been filled with adoration for him and now held hardly any expression at all.

Brittany was right, he thought with a silent sigh. At some point he was going to have to admit that he was never going to succeed with Blaine. At some point he had to move on.

He’d worked on himself, on being direct, on being honest with his feelings... but it didn’t matter. No matter his plan for tackling it, the wall between them was apparently too tall for him to climb.

He’d lived in New York long enough to be absolutely certain Blaine wasn’t his only chance at love. He wasn’t the only man out there who could love Kurt, but he was the one Kurt wanted... and Blaine didn’t want him back.

Kurt picked up his coffee again to give himself an excuse for looking away from Blaine’s face, so familiar, so beloved, so newly distant.

Kurt knew he’d broken Blaine’s heart, had broken them apart for good with a few sharp, desperate words, and now he was reaping what he’d sown. He just wished he didn’t have to see right in front of him exactly how much Blaine had moved on.

And yet, if he didn’t see that he wouldn’t see Blaine at all.

“We’re always happy to see our friends,” Rachel said with a bright, practiced smile, and Kurt couldn’t help but notice that she focused her attention on Blaine. Despite the unexpected coffee ploy, Kurt knew she was on his side to the end.

At least he had that.

“It’s nice to see you, too,” Blaine said softly, including them both in his words.

Kurt nodded in reply and kept the smile on his face until they turned away. Then he blew out a slow breath and looked down at his coffee instead of watching Blaine walk away with Dave’s arm around him.

He didn’t want to think about Dave touching Blaine. It made something in his stomach lurch each time he saw it. He’d long ago forgiven the violence that had been housed in Dave’s hands, but there was something like a nightmare about seeing them on _Blaine_.

It wasn’t really Dave at all, he reminded himself, even if the way he loomed large beside the love of Kurt’s life was a visual that made the hair on the back of Kurt’s neck threaten to stand on end. It was anyone touching Blaine. It could have been anyone.

Kurt had thought when he forgave Blaine for cheating and allowed him access to his heart again that he wouldn’t ever have to worry about anyone else being with Blaine. No one was supposed to get to touch him with easy possessiveness but Kurt.

Not that this situation was remotely the same as cheating. He knew that. But there was a hint of an ache in the exact same spot, a press on a deep bruise, the utter betrayal he felt in his own heart at the thought that Blaine would let anyone else touch him, have him, that Blaine would _want_ to.

Kurt tried to throw off that thought with a tiny shake of his head. He wasn’t mad at Blaine for that. He couldn’t be. Blaine was allowed to move on. Kurt had _made_ him move on.

He just didn’t know how to accept the fact that Blaine, who had always wanted him more than anything - who had moved for him more than once, supported him, loved him, begged for his forgiveness and his heart and his forever - didn’t feel that way anymore. Now Blaine wanted something else more than he wanted Kurt.

Now, despite the fact that he knew Kurt had come back for him, Blaine wanted _Dave_ instead. Dave, who didn’t understand Blaine’s healthy respect for Broadway or probably a thousand other things about his beautiful heart but who apparently made him feel far better than Kurt had.

Kurt had loved Blaine so deeply and had for so long that for a while he’d forgotten what it really felt like not to have him, and he didn’t know how to accept the fact that Blaine didn’t return his feelings and wasn’t going to. He didn’t know how to look at Blaine and not expect for the first second that Blaine’s face would light up for him again the way it always had.

But Blaine didn’t light up for him anymore, and Kurt _had_ to accept it.

He was used to fighting for things he wanted, but Blaine didn’t want Kurt to fight for him. That door had closed. Somehow Kurt had to stop wanting to fight that fight.

Kurt drew in a fragile breath and looked up to see Rachel watching him with soft compassion in her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

He shook his head, refusing the sympathy. There was a warning tightness in his chest, and he could feel tears threatening to well up in his eyes. He wasn’t going to do that here. He had to stop doing it anywhere. He couldn’t let his sadness take over.

He’d lost a lot of people he loved in his life, most of the very few people who loved him, in fact: his mother, Finn, nearly his father more than once.

He knew all about the sharp stab of grief that would pierce his heart again and again, of words he wanted to say to ears that would no longer hear them, of the impossible reality that someone just wasn’t there beside him at all anymore and never would be. He knew about the way the world suddenly seemed brittle and flat when someone he loved was gone and about how the horrible truth would push into his mind when he was doing something else, sink its cold claws into his heart, and rip it apart without warning.

Blaine wasn’t dead - thank goodness - but he was out of reach all the same, untouchable, _gone_ in a fundamental way that Kurt knew he had to accept wasn’t going to be regained. Kurt loved him and had been loved by him, and now he was just gone.

It hurt, desperately, in some ways even more than a death, because a death was final, but Blaine was _right there_ and yet not there in Kurt’s life at all anymore. No matter how much Kurt was longing for him, dreaming of him, crying over him, Blaine didn’t want to be with him. He didn’t want to come back.

Even though Blaine hadn’t died, their relationship had.

And Kurt had been the one to make it happen, not all of the steps leading up to the end but the final one that he knew Blaine would never, ever have taken.

Kurt took another breath, and another, pushing aside what of the pain he could.

He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t hurting, but he had experienced enough loss in his life that knew he could live through this. He could get over it. He wouldn’t ever be without the ache in his heart, but he’d manage it. He’d live his life, find joy, find love. He could do it. He knew he could do it.

He just had to make himself start.

“Do you want to go?” Rachel asked him. “We could do this at my house.”

“No. We can stay.” Looking up from the table, Kurt took another breath to steady himself. He sat up straighter and drew his chin up and his shoulders back. It didn’t make his sadness go away, but it made him feel better able to handle it. He could handle anything.

“Are you sure?”

Kurt nodded and glanced over toward the door, shut between him and wherever Blaine had chosen to go without him.

“I’m not going to pretend I’m happy,” he said with a soft, resigned twist of his mouth, “but I’m not going to start hiding.”

Kurt looked around at the Lima Bean, at the tables where he’d studied, at the couches where he’d talked for hours with friends, at the cookies at the register he’d once brought to Blaine as a treat to thank him for waiting for Kurt to get off of his shift. He could remember so many happy memories, now tinged with a sadness for times past and love apparently lost.

It hurt to be there. It hurt to have a new mental picture of Blaine looking at him from behind guarded eyes to overlay memories of Blaine looking at him with nothing but love.

But Kurt couldn’t let all of that stop him. He still had his life to live, lesson plans to create, NYADA to return to, someday a new love to fall for who wasn’t Blaine, who wasn’t this man who no longer wanted him back.

“Next time we can go to Starbucks,” Rachel offered. “Even if their lattes are too bitter.”

With a fond shake of his head, Kurt said, “Thank you, but a different coffee shop doesn’t change what’s happened, Rachel.”

“I’m just trying to help. I know this is hard.”

Kurt shook his head again, this time more slowly. “It is,” he said. He breathed in through his nose and shrugged at her helplessly, because there was no way around it.

It wasn’t just hard; it was gutting. It was _heartbreaking_ that he couldn’t reach out and make things right with Blaine, that for the first time ever Blaine didn’t want him to.

He looked down at his coffee again for a moment, his chest hurting, and then he made himself look up again. “But going to Starbucks isn’t going to make it any easier,” he told Rachel with a sad sense of finality.

Her face went softer with sympathy, and he tried not to feel that in his heart, either. He didn’t need her to feel sorry for him.

He wasn’t used to being without choices, but he didn’t have any with Blaine. He wasn’t used to giving up on a dream, but he had to. Blaine’s heart apparently wasn’t his to coax and care for, not anymore.

Kurt shrugged and pulled himself upright again. He could feel the weight of sadness deep into his heart, but he couldn’t let it drag him down. If he’d lost Blaine, he’d lost him. He had to stop looking back at some point. Brittany was right; he _had_ to.

“Kurt...” Rachel started in a whisper.

Turning his coffee cup on the table, Kurt met her eyes, his mouth twisting sadly. “Don’t, Rachel. There’s nothing you can say. It is what it is.”

He breathed in, the air not enough to fill the hole in his chest. He wondered what would fill it, what could ever take the place of Blaine. Something would, someday. Somehow. “It is what it is,” he said again and straightened her binder in front of her on the table. “I just need to get used to it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder: I am spoiler-free! Please do not spoil me!


End file.
